The Darwin E-mail Incident

I was talking online, bashing Creationists, Catholics, and anyone else who was easily offended by the anatomically correct word for fucking, and a mysterious dilemma unfolded. The first five or so lines actually occured, and inspired me to write this article. Lez watch!

Creationist: Your Evolutionist lies are false! False false false false!

Punkerslut: You see, though, there are Reversionary and Vestigial organs which show that we have ancestors that were from a lower species.

Creationist: What do you mean? Just forget it... Give me Darwin's e-mail address so I can tell him he's wrong.

Punkerslut: Uuummmmm.....

Creationist: Come on! Don't be a coward! If your ideas can stand up to criticism, tell me Darwin's e-mail address!

Punkerslut: Uuuummmmm....

Creationist: I knew it! You're afraid I'll prove Darwin wrong! Admit it!

Punkerslut: Actually.... Darwin's e-mail address is... [glances around quickly] punkersluta@excite.com.... Yeah, that's it.

[Note: That's my e-mail address, folks.]

Creationist: Good! I'll be taking care of him shortly!

Punkerslut: You know he's German, too, right?

Creationist: Of course I knew that!

Gutentag, Heir Darwin,

It has come to my attention that you think a monkey gave birth to a human. Stop telling lies, because they're teaching it in the schools. If you have any evidence please bring it up.

Yours in Christ,

Zeig heil!

I, Darwin, would like to start this letter off with some interesting observations I've noticed...

(1) You are...

(2) Dumb.

(3) Repeat 1 and 2 as necessary.

(4) Not tested on animals.

Furthermore... I am gay, and I have sexual fetishes about Sigmund Freud, but he doesn't know this yet. I'm thinking about asking one of the people he sits with at lunch to tell him, but I dunno.

Sincerely,
Darwin

Since you are a living abomination (you like men the way men should like women), I will not consort with you. Begone, foul minion!

You're in my prayers, Darwin...

Yours in Christ,

Creationist: Darwin's gay!

Punkerslut: Huh? Oh, well, yeah, I guess he is.

Creationist: What's Sigmund Freud's e-mail?

Punkerslut: Uuhhh, heheh...

Creationist: Tell me!

Punkerslut: It's, uhhhh, punkersluta@excite.com...

Creationist: Hey, that's the same as Darwin's!

Punkerslut: Hhhmmm, you're right, it is. Just make sure you address who you're talking to. They like, all live in the same dorm and use the same computer.

Creationist: Oh, okay.

Punkerslut: Don't forget that he's Vietnamese!

Hoa Bin Freud,

Tika tika tong, evolution wrong,

Foo foo fay, darwin gay,

Taa taa too, he dreams of you,

Muka muka mighst, yours in Christ,

Aca picka ticka bata picka alca picka too picka alta ticka pik tana sicka Darwina...

Creationist: Hey, what gives with Freud? He doesn't make any sense!

Punkerslut: Yeah, I forget. He's Vietnamese, but he speaks Hindustani.

Creationist: Aaawwww, and I went through all that trouble translating.

Punkerslut: I'm sure you did.

Creationist: What do you mean by that?

Punkerslut: Uhhh, nothing.

Zeig heil!

I am sorry if I offended you my stating I was gay. But please, send me your picture. I've been getting... restless.

Yours in Gay-Ness,

Darwin,

I refuse to further continue talking to you, and now I will forward these e-mails to my system administrator with a note that you've been harassing me. You are the weakest link, Darwin! Good bye!

Hello,

There's a gay, German scientist named Darwin who invented Evolution, and his sexual advances towards me lately have been unbearable. Please, disable his account.

Actual letters by Punkerslut to Creationist... written while on drugs or alcohol.

... first letter written under leftover Dex.

Date: Thursday, May 8, 2003

To: paul@zzz.com

Subject: An Inquiry on Darwin's Works

Greetings, and well met,

I had the fortunate opportunity to come across your website on Creationism when searching the web for information on this belief.

I read the "Creationism FAQ," but I thought it was thick with propaganda. For example, look at every question you answer -- or every question which you put in the mouth of the Evolution scientist. It's not reasoned, nor is it logical, nor is it even respectful. Instead, you sort of create the debate for both sides, without actually quoting any scientists -- despite how you say you "present both sides of the media, unlike liberal media and Hollywood." The Evolution scientist appears to be vulgar and insulting, whereas you try to make your arguments well reasoned.

I also skimmed the "A Defense of Creationism," and I tried to skip all the boring, circumstantial evidence and get to the part where you actually answer the primary evidences of Evolution, but.... I reached the Conclusion of the paper before actually getting to that part.

This leads me to a new, higher belief, one more valid than either Evolution or Creationism...

Creationists are illiterate. It's as simple as that. I know that if I had doubts about a belief, I would read the primary book supporting that belief. I read the Bible, and I don't believe it, and I have shown in some of my writings reasons why. I also read "Origin of the Species" by Charles Darwin. The fact that you can't draw out examples why he was wrong, or why you don't even attack his base arguments, is quite clear of one fact: you must be illiterate. Because, if someone opposed Evolution without reading the words of scientists, and they opposed it so vehemently that they vocalized their opinion as much as possible, it would be quite clear that they were stupid beyond belief. But I would not like to assume this about you at all, so I will just settle with illiterate.

Thank you, again, for your website.

www.punkerslut.com

For 108,

Punkerslut

*************************

Date: Sat, 10 May 2003 10:44:20 -0700

From: paul@zzz.com

To: punkersluta@excite.com

Subject: Re: An Inquiry on Darwin's Works

Hey Ben,

Thanks for your note. Wow - you've got some thick

glasses on. But best wishes for the future.

Paul

*************************

Date: Saturday, May 10, 2003

To: paul@zzz.com

Subject: Re: An Inquiry on Darwin's Works

I have some thick glasses on? I sure hope that's not some retarded reference to the theology of Van Til. I know I can't read much of his work without thinking that humans just might not be the most intelligent creature on the world. I mean, truly, there are some Christian works out there which simply are marvelous, though all of them today are still considered heretical. Tolstoi, for example, was a great mind, and he called himself a Christian, but he was excommunicated for believing that there was no afterlife.

Anyway, feel free to tell me where Darwin went wrong in "Descent of Man" or "Origin of the Species," and if you don't make any more Van Til-related remarks, I may respond.

www.punkerslut.com

For Life,

Punkerslut

*************************

Date: Tue, 13 May 2003 10:23:55 -0700

From: <paul@zzz.com>

To: <punkersluta@excite.com>

Subject: Re: An Inquiry on Darwin's Works

Hi,

Yeah, thick glasses ... and an attitude. Why the

emotions? Are you considering our origins scientifically

or (actually) emotionally and with prejudice.

...high schoolers... (sigh) ...

*************************

[written under high infulence of aclohlo.]

Date: Tuesday, May 13, 2003

To: paul@zzz.com

Subject: Re: An Inquiry on Darwin's Works

Ha, amusing...

"High schoolers..." That's incredibly amusing. Instead of actually making any statement of relevance to the current debate, you devert to some inept, two year old remark. "High schoolers..." It doesn't even fit me, because I'm a high school drop out. But that doesn't change anything. You haven't brought any of Darwin's points to light. You haven't criticized even a single one of them. And since you didn't really consider any of my e-mails, I'm still highly convinced that you're simply illiterate.

www.punkerslut.com

For Life,

Punkerslut

Punkerslut: Hey, I got suspended from campus.

Friend: What the hell for?

Punkerslut: Fighting. I beat the crap out of some guy who was about to haze someone else.

Friend: Good job, man.

A week later...

Punkerslut: Hey, they found out that I was doing something good and they welcomed me back to campus.

Friend: Right on.

Punkerslut: But then I asked, "If I killed him, would I get straight As for this quarter?" And then they threw me off campus again.

Friend: Sucks.

Punkerslut: Hey, I'm gonna get something to drink. You want some soda?

Female: Yeah, sure.

Punkerslut: When I come back, you want to make out?

Female: Uhhhmmm, I'm not that kind of girl.

Punkerslut: Well, what kind of girl are you?

Female: The kind that doesn't make out with guys she barely knows.

Punkerslut: You could have just said no and I would have picked that up.

[Added on Wednesday, June 4, 2003, at 4:31 in the morning.]

Punkerslut: In computer class, we watched two movies. First, "Biodome." And then, "Tron." All the preps and jocks were bored during "Tron" and loved "Biodome;" but the outcasts, the geeks, the nerds, the social rejects, the political dissidents, the artsy kids, and even the bling bling rappers and gangstas hated "Biodome" and loved "Tron." "'ey, G... Tron is da' bom', yo'." Okay, so nobody really said exactly that, but it was like that.

Friend: What the hell is "Biodome" about?

Punkerslut: Oh, well, Pauly Shore is in it.

Friend: That right there is a review, synopsis, summary, and conclusion to the film.

Punkerslut: Tru dat, brotha'.

www.punkerslut.com

For Life,

Punkerslut

ABOUT THE AUTHOR